Escaped Thoughts

...random thoughts and imaginations from life

©2010 Kenneth Durden...A Free Man Thinking Freely. Not used without permission.

 

Forever Strangers

if i said "you don't know me"
you wouldn't know it
or even care,
like strangers

No Change

lone nights,
Sleeplessly,
pained.

he remained
Restlessly,
broken.

while she rested
Beautifully,
frozen.

Little was said.
Even less was known.
And nothing
ever
changed.

Pardon Me

pardon me
for hiding here,
in what appeared to be a refuge.
i only sought brief respite
from biting wind and deluge.

pardon me
for crying here,
from pain that would not cease
i thought I'd find both words and touch,
the gnawing pain to ease.

pardon me
for longing here,
with desire,
just, pure and true.
i sought to please and please again,
needing nothing new.

pardon me
for not wanting to share,
a love i thought was mine.
for expressing rage
and attempting to reclaim
my pearls from the mouth of swine.

pardon me
for toiling here,
to build a lasting home.
i sought sharing and helping hands,
in company, yet still alone.

pardon me
for seeking love,
that once was only in dreams.
pardon me for realizing,
all is not as it seems.

Lifeless Lifeline

He had trusted her with his lifeline,
he drowned,
as she stood
and watched
with disdain:
"How pathetic the way he flails and struggles,
incapable of enjoying my friends."
"Yes, of course, we'll have another round."

Strange love(?)
she had a strange way
of saying "I love you."
it couldn't be heard,
felt,
or seen.
still,
he was assured
it was his.
if only
he could wrest it from the hands of strangers.

Uhhh...who are you and why are you here?

I see you here,
occasionally,
but I barely know your name

My lover?
No, not at all, for I cannot even draw near.

Roommate?
If only it were it so, at least to share bills and brew.

I cannot seem to find a way,
to link your presence with a purpose.

The cupboard is bare
the stove is cold
and the dog is eating his hair.

So since you have eyes
for anyone
who lacks what would seem smart,
part with me,
and give me peace
to find a union of hearts.

Thinking of Whom?

Still looking for that love letter,
guess it got lost among the hate mail.
More likely
it was never sent,
like the love that was never uttered.
Still,
someone got his "Thinking of You"

Resting
as in mother's bosom,
a tired mind
quieted by shushing waves

She loves me for my brain

This girl actually loves me
for my brain,
my crazy brain.

In
she dives,
and with impassioned stroke,
swims amongst darting thoughts.

From
depth and dark,
to shallow and light,
she revels in all.

It ain't for my hair,
there's not much there,
plus she's got it to spare.

In her eyes,
I see little brown Einsteins,
Those would have to be mine.

Yeah, she's heard me sing,
"It don't mean a thing."
but in her ears profound words ring.
Ring.

And
she'll get a laugh from this
bit of silliness

If I never meet another

If I never meet another,
I can rest
peacefully,
for I have met known
purest kindness and
most noble imperfection.

the look of a broken heart

he had the look
of a broken heart
known by anyone
who has known it.

that pained pallor
from passed
passion,
stained of
rejection,
denial
or betrayal.


Empty Well
...from the long-form "The Nomad's Well"

no matter how frequently he returned,
nor how desirous he was of drink,
the well remained
cold,
empty,
dark,
and silent.

Of sooty shadows and promised peaks

having
ascended
from sootiest shadows,
as sheol

standing
dirty,
damaged,
and daunted

pondering
duplicity and
disaffection,
disfigured

tracing
with tired finger
scar
upon scar

and realizing
that beneath scars,
lies
love like wings

proposing
pinnacles
peaks
and promise


love, unrequited

love,
unrequited,
lasts longer,

for it digs deeper
and leaves
lasting lesions

the harvest

when seed planted
yielded only ground,
hardened
as if never tilled
or watered.
just dirt.

his prayers
flowed out,
yet never up,
unanswered,
leaving him
hungry hopeless.

until
on an unexpected day,
while wandering,
wondering,
unfilled and
inconsolable,
he happened upon
brush-covered berries.
planted by the great planter,
untended,
grown sweet and beautiful.

he tasted
sweetness
unknown,
yet familiar.

when an angel cries 

At times of greatest grief
I stand with you,
listening
willing
to silently sit,
holding you,
knowing
this pain,
in some form,
lasts a lifetime.

How could I selfishly want,
when you are struggling
with survival itself?
What kind of person would I be,
should I fail to empathize?
How would I even be worthy of your friendship,
your trust?
Times of trial tell all,
whether love is real.

In you,
I see lessons learned
from pains past
and misunderstandings now known.

Dear,
sweet angel,
let loose.
And as waves of grief wash over you,
I stand
stalwart,
with ebb and flow.

I offer comfort,
until wrenching, retching
pain parts,
realizing years will pass
before memories become
bearable.

Without knowing
what to do
or say,
still,
I stand,
arms open.


love like sand

loving one
who would not love you, 
is like collecting sand in a sieve.
scooping,
gathering,
collecting,
struggling,
realizing,
nothing is gained.

find a jar,
and fill it,
instead
with
watery
satisfaction.

higher myths

That which was taken,
by lustful viciousness,
is now surrendered,
happily.
Why settle
for lowly darkness,
when you can gain
lofty white heights
in the arms of the savior?

one way, wrong way

love found,
on a one-way street,
and too late
came the realization realized,
he was driving in the wrong direction.

That Name

Every time I hear that name,
I get a little sick, maybe a lot,
a psychological Linda Blair moment.

That name drills
its little deadly way into my head,
then bounces around my skull,
an emotional .22.

I remember
reading it,
and considering
all of the secrets.
haunting, taunting,
plaguing and tormenting
secrets.

It's past time for an exorcism.


seven years

seven years
since my little brown smurfette
left us,
surrendering to something,
senseless.

why would you render
your mother and brother
as infants,
fetal,
while we grown men weep
wondering...

losses
leave
holes unfilled,
though we try
with tears.

seven years since
and eighth year
of even greater loss
approaches

25 to death to life

he sent his love two dozen roses,
the 25th he held in hand.
25 times he sent her flowers,
to prove his love would stand.

25 broken promises later,
only empty vases remain.
25 sorrowed songs became,
the lover's sole refrain

25 lonely months later,
false love had come and gone.
25 prayers now answered,
chrysanthemums where once was stone.

3 simple words

"I love you."

inexpressible,
when only the mind says they should be spoken.

irrepressible,
when the heart feels and knows their true meaning.

irreplaceable,
when building a life together.


without
without love,
a ring
is but circle of metal,
diamonds but pebbles.

without commitment,
vows are little more than nursery rhymes,
meaningless,
easily betrayed,
forgotten.

without empathy,
and understanding,
pains are never shared
and burdens wear down.

without thoughtfulness,
words become projectiles
dangerous,
or pass
unheard.

without action,
love is only an imagination
and distance grows.

without tender touch,
lovers become strangers,
even
enemies.

The Reward of a Tender Heart

What is the reward of a tender heart?

Is it
to be crushed bruised and torn
to be disparaged
viewed as lowly, worthless?

Is it
to be handled roughly,
until it grows
thick, rigid, coarse
numb to touch?

Will it become heavy,
a thing too onerous,
too exhausting to carry?

God forbid.

This heart is
to be sheer,
airy
and fillable by the slightest breeze.

It is
to remain
fleecy soft,
snuggle perfect
for comfort
on days of winter's worst.

It is to be
held gingerly
and guarded jealously
until it ceases.



Hold me, love

hold me,
love,
as if to make us one.

surround me.
i am desert rock,
you are sun.

only you
can take all of me,
and still desire more.

reaching,
caressing,
as ocean does shore

hold me,
love,
never think release.

as black universe envelops stars,
may souls' embrace
never cease

The Brown See

Tired
of seeing
the sea of brown
faces flowing
across the screen,
with words

...shot
homicide
suspect
robbery
armed
attack
theft
gang
violent...

Lost
enough.


again

trust

believe

hope

love

give

receive

solitude...unselected

restlessly stressed,
sleeplessly burdened
in solitude
emotionally,
contemplating
ones lost

while above,
sweet
wee-hour whispers
swirl
and hearts
stir,
speaking secrets
of lusty betrayal.

and i
possessed of
nothing,
given nothing,
with nothing
to say,
in solitude
hold much inside

angelmuse

her love is never left to question.
her words,
as petals 
perfectly strewn along a walk,
lay a path straight,
from her heart.


When she speaks

her lips
part,

and lies,
like April pollen
from a Georgia pine

fly,
and float,
spreading,
coating
and choking.

as certain as the sun

my love
as certain
as the sun

in flares and bursts,
it lives and dies
at once

in darkness,
still it glows,
somewhere

in denial,
you deny
my existence

while others lie
tanned and relaxed

my baby calls me beautiful

my baby calls me
beautiful,
only because she loves me,
all of me.

when my baby calls me
beautiful,
i remind her,
that the beauty she sees in me,
is merely a reflection,
a casting of her beautiful touch
on my life.

the bridge

my hand
loves to stand
on that bridge
between your back
and your beautiful
roundness

dark light of forever

There are galaxies upon galaxies in my mind,
in my mind.
Dare you explore?
Will you explore?

Systems to be seen in my soul.
Can you see?
Will you see?

Where matter seems to end
in darkness,
is matter.
Feel it?

She touched me

She touched the untouched in me that remained
unbroken,
through years
tears,
she touched.

When thoughts of love
could cause recoil,
Tenderly she tilled the heart,
and touched me.

Her trust given,
My trust earned,
She touches me.


KDKD

He gives
so little,
yet all he can
and
she loves
him
for nothing.

She loves
the fact that he is more
excited
lifting books than weights.

She praises
him,
and spreads his acclaim
though no one would care to know.

She celebrates
his accomplishments
though he has
yet to achieve.

She offers
support and encouragement,
unwavering,
for
she loves

He realizes
she deserves
and he can do even more
and love.

A broken heart's psalm

My Lord, my God
who can understand
my heart,
my pain?

In times of loneliness,
surrounded by others
or with no one around.

When betrayal
comes close
and reasons cannot be known

When love,
a gift given,
becomes a thing despised

You, my Lord
understand.
You, Lord,
are well acquainted with grief.

You have known rejection
a million-fold and repeated,
even from those You have chosen
and called
Your own.

Please, let the this cup of bitterness
pass.
Nevertheless.
I must walk
through this time,
knowing,
You know,
and
You are with me
and understand.

I ask You,
You who will never break the bruised reed
or extinguish the flickering flame,
for healing,
for wholeness.


When strength is gone,

I will call out to You.
You will hear me,
and answer my cry.

Then I will proclaim
loudly,
gladly
that You are
He who heals,
rebuilds,
renews
and restores.

I will offer my thanks before all.


is that supposed to be me?

i watched
the artist's hand
create
a caricature,
some
thing

the hand
that made this image
having never
truly touched
or known
me

had that hand grasped
me,
it would never have created
this
awkward
one-dimensional
crude
foreign
thing

puzzled
half-hurt
insulted,
still i wondered
if this
could this be
me

then
i came upon a mirror
and saw,
a man


under a warm winter sky

under a warm winter sky
i lie to my soul
telling it that life would be so much better
were i simpler

under a warm winter sky
i lie to my heart
telling it that nothing matters
not to feel pain

under a warm winter sky
i lie to myself
until I see truth between the stars

Upon sudden loss

Life brings
unexpected.
discoveries delight,
yet calamity calls.

Our lives,
but a gasp,
a sigh.
Our days,
limited.

Why just exist
or wallow in discontent?

learn
love
live
live
live

leave behind?

Just me

It's just me...
flawed,
striving,
struggling,
laughing,
lasting,
...thinking.

"L'√Čtranger"

Her touch
would be
odd,
unsettling,
foreign,
for he had
so seldom known it.

The time,
together,
never was.

She remained,
a stranger.
and his heart was...
étrange.


Change

change
change
change

while i remain the same.

and words,
like wheel spokes
with daggers
pierce
time and time
again

healer 

she took the wings stiff
from being bound,
caressed them
massaged them
stretched
gently

so long
confined,
restricted,
denied
the sensation
of wings wide
disturbed

yet
with time,
with love
and compassion,
flight

"treat me or trick me"

treat me like I'm special
like I matter,

like no other
treat me like you need me
knowing
i am willing

treat me as your prized possession
to enjoy close
and alone

stare at me,
notice every facet
never denying imperfections,
but understanding
imperfection's role in creating the unique

realize
and treat me
as though
you know nothing could separate me,
that if no one else is,
I am.

or not

tell me who

who could hold you
with arms tender strong
heart so full
and desire
pure


Strange Sensation

She gave off this strange vibe,
peculiar
in so many ways
familiar
in dreams.

She receives,
slowly,
hesitatingly,
then with grinniest grin
she speaks.
expressing...
appreciation?

Strange

Cranium-stroking
kryptonite,
disarmingly
alarming
Ah, yes....
affection

Strange.

Lips on mine,
twisted like twine.
in fits of sweaty comfort.
This is...
passion.

Strange.

Words not exchanged,
yet thoughts engaged,
knowing smirks,
an intellectual...
connection.

Strange.

I gave my all
and lost even more,
yet never knew
this
...sensation

Strange.


the wall

i came upon a wall,
unexpectedly
in a place it should never have been.

fascinated,
i saw possiblities.

the wall could be a part of building
a home
a business
future

i decorated the wall
with all i had.
with hands careful,
clumsy,
i applied prettiest paints,
for no brush was worthy,
enjoying the smooth, cold stone.

the wall simply soaked up the paint,
indifferent

so i thought,
perhaps,
if i applied gems,
and every beautiful stone i could find,
the wall would be satisfied

the stones slipped away.

i thought it better to write on the wall,
spelled out my hopes and dreams,
scribbled frustrations and fears.

the wall discarded my words
and allowed them to be replaced
by graffiti
of some passing punk.

i washed it all away with tears,
determined.

i lay prostrate before the wall
vulnerable,
soul exposed.

the emotionless slab
offered nothing in return.

disinterested

why search for depth,
emotion
response
empathy
reward,
was it not a wall when I first came upon it?

painfully,
weak and trembling,
i managed to move
the wall
from my path.

and again
i see
clear
sky
sun
stars
possibilities

life
without walls
offers so much more
love


monster

I was told there was a monster in my home,
an evil beast,
determined to confine,
to destroy.

I searched,
panicked
wracked with guilt,
feeling worthless and pathetic
that I could not find
and defeat the beast.
I couldn't defend my home
nor fulfill what I had promised.

and now
time has passed.

I no longer hear the sounds,
and no longer live with fear
and frustration,
for the voice warning me of the monster
was the creature itself
and it is now gone.

dive deep into me

beyond the reefs
beyond the beautiful,
colorful surface

far beyond the shallows
can you
dive deep into me

into the darkness
where life still exists
in its weightier form

will you
survive
thrive
thrill

if so,
dive deep


will it ever go away
i get sick
whenever i hear his name,
even though it's not him

will there ever come a time
when something so innocuous
will fail
in its power to trigger
deception's memory
and this cold dread nausea


angel

angel

Sweetest angel
messenger from heaven

encourager,
ever longing
to connect me to my greatest cause and purpose

knower,
who would become acquainted with every hair
and still want to know more

healer,
of soul's scars
and injuries past

intecessor,
of needs and wants,
covering pains and fears,

satisfier,
fire
quencher
no need
unmet

while worth nothing to the rest of the world,
to her
i am
the world's worth

was, is, will be

His tears were a joke
til hers started to flow

his entreaties
and proclamations of love,
laughable
til they were no more

while she may never
realize
what was,
or wonder
what could have been,
she sees
what is not,
and lives
with the uncertainty of
what will be

and yet he
was,
is,
and will be
love

love unbound

weightless
willing

love

faithful
flowing

love

without barriers
or burdens

no denials
no deception

uninhibited
understanding

love


it's ok

It's okay
to experience happiness, fulfillment,
to find it,
where it presents itself,
where no harm is done,
where there is acceptance, love and understanding.
embraced.

wife
and she wore
the title
wife
with pride
joy
tenderness
strength

embracing
the liberty of commitment

Where does it go?

Where does love go
when it falls
out
away?

where
the thoughts
desires and dreams?

lost
to time
and attention from others?

or does it remain
forever,
unsettling?


never known

so many things to know
never known

so many things to try,
to explore
never known

you and all
your deepest thoughts
never known

how to maneuver
around the wall that separates us
never known

me
and all the ways i wanted to show you how much i love you
never
known


change for the same

and as she went through the cycle
of sexual partners and wannabes,
she remembered the one true lover, never truly loved, whom she traded for this mess.

and still
remained
too prideful or
too...whatever
to admit the mistake.

And nothing changed.

The worst drunk

take tumbler of lies

add a steady pour of rejection

a shot of betrayal

a dash of bitterness

top off with aloofness (condescending or mocking)

serve frigid

experience the mother of all hangovers

...of melancholy wine
sad
that i never really got to love you
really

not sure how i did
at all,
or why i do
if i did

considering,
with a glass of
melancholy wine,
recalling,
things expressed
and not,
received
and rejected

confused,
dizzy,
drunk from the chaos
of misunderstanding and overeaction
and boldest steps in wrong directions

5 years

5 years
squeezing my brain
stifling intelligence

5 years
choking on my thoughts
dying inside

5 years
pouring emotions and affections down a hole
living lonely

5 years
wasted


Brat

like a child with a new toy,
she reveled in her new-found ability
to belittle, injure and tear down,
never truly understanding how destructive were her actions.

And yet he loved her, more than any other,
perhaps even more than he loved himself,
never fully understanding why.

felicity

with softest lips
moistly welcoming
inviting
embracing

grasping gently
and giving
something from her soul

those lips


I could never touch her,
and I never knew why.
I couldn't seem to reach her,
God knows I did try.

Despite sleepless nights,
and long and tearful days,
nothing I did do
could seem to break through,
her cold and selfish ways.

bb

beautiful beautiful
soul and body
beautifully
by my side

forever sharing
in thoughts
passions
dreams
ambitions

beautiful beautiful
forever


free to give. freely given.

she didn't steal his heart,
he gave it,
gladly.

how could he deny
one so honest and open?

what could he withold
from her,
when she offered him
everything?

she builds him
up
and
fills him
with
her pride
in him.

she scoffs
at entreaties
from any others
for she .values him.

in times
most troubling,
her strength and grace
uphold him.

theft has no place,
jealousy no power
when two compete
in giving.


little whale

As Nineveh called,
you finally spit me out,
back up on the shore.

Our meeting was predestined.
I cannot curse it.
Whether your actions were a normal part of your nature,
I will never know.

Without meeting you,
I would never have entered
into the plan.

For a time
the stench of your bowels
covered me,
made me ashamed
made me something to be avoided.

But now
clean,
whole
I go on
to the purpose
for which I was created
and the task
to which I was called.

Though the scars
burns
of partial digestion
I wear
as I share.

You are
and will be
part of my story.

you can return
to your cold,
dark depths.

lone lioness

lonely lioness
waits
and on seeing the first sign of tenderness
she lunges
and toys with her prey.

then with prideful smirk
she saunters off
pausing every so briefly to look back
admiringly at her handiwork,
her power absolute over this
struggling
flailing
pathetic creature.

she plans to return
whenever she gets bored
knowing that such a wounded
animal could never go far.

until
one day her prey
realizes the result of this sick game will only be more injury
if not death,
and escapes.

she's super

she fancies
herself
a supermodel,
supreme

the spa
the salon
routine

she demands
her man
meet every need,
then some

his needs
his desires
unseen

he offers
his all
but all is for naught,
foolish

words said,
meaningless
useless

she seems deaf
to him
to his love she is
immune

nothing,
when from him,
matters

she owes him
nothing
no explanations
nothing

she does
as she will.
he cries.

and still tries
to love,
yet unloveable
to her

women
of status
need more

still his heart
holds on,
worshipfully crushed,
beating

self worth
renders her
worthless


Gotcha

The girl who got me
never "got" me

the girl who "got" me
is gone
to the land of jocks and thugs
far from boring
intellectualism and romance

but this girl "gets" me,
and could get me
anytime
because she got it
and me going
and loved it

the girl who "got" me,
unlike the one who got me,
saw things
in me
that no one ever had

she "got" it when was full of it.
she gave until i
was empty of it

she really "got" me,
and saved me
from
love hopeless life.

the girl "got" me
and made me
feel like more of a man
than any woman had

and though she seemed to get me
she couldn't "get" me
where I was
or get the
patience
necessary.

and I
blinded
by love
to love's reality
could not seem to find my way
past the one who got me.

his desire

to be her hero
was his dream
to be the one
trusted
loved
admired

to be the one
who holds her hand
and listens to her
talk
about important things
and nothing


What am I to do?

What am I to do
with these arms
that don't fit around
anyone else?
these lips
that cannot taste any others
but yours?
this body
numb
that only responds
to you?
a mind with room
for no one else?

Tell me.

without

a ring,
without love,
becomes a useless circle of metal,
diamonds but pebbles.

without commitment,
vows are little more than nursery rhymes
meaningless,
forgotten.

without empathy
and understanding,
reality-rattling
suffering is lived in loneliness,
even if not alone.

without communication,
minds wonder,
and hearts wander.
and unspoken words
whiz overhead,
in deadly silence

without action
love is only an imagination
and distance grows

without tender touches,
lovers become strangers,
even
enemies


your faithful heart

your heart always kept you
just beyond
arms reach,
irreverently elusive.

your heart
held still your tongue,
when mere words
could change
life's course.

your faithful heart
blinded your eyes
to reality's passing
and of any view of history
beyond caterpillar's length of itself.

your faithful, strong heart betrayed you.

i see you

hey,
i see you,
lurking.

I see your eyes,
staring
at me
in this virtual zoo,
your heart
always assessing,
judging.

why now,
when the
privilege
was never taken before?

puzzlement over
once too busy to bother
details?

I see you
and know
there are moments
when your mind breaks free
and runs to me,
where dreams drift about,
directionlessly,
passing,
never seeing,
yet knowing

and at
times,
when joy
falls just short,
I'm there,
torturing
with pleasures
known and
unrealized.

I see you
and know
how there are times
of cold horror
and sickening fear,
worsened
by realizing
that
simplest humility
was simply
a price too high.

and
each time
it happens
and hurts,
until you are saved
by some other distraction.

truest love
like a mighty vessel
cannot easily change
direction

Expectations

expectation
for you
to learn me
know me
understand.

expectation
that you
will touch me
kiss me
consume-mate.

expectations
fulfilled
will only
make me
try harder.

scorched earth love

scorched earth love
leaves nothing behind.

bitter conflagration
and fury
consume
all
it does not want

until
little remains
but burned sand,
and
as silica
becomes
glass
it reflects
the wretched
defiler

and enraged
in
flame,
until
holocaust's
causer
is consumed.

and grass grows
where once earth
seemed
beyond life

I know the caged bird

I know why the caged bird
plucks his own feathers.
Trapped.
Kept from expressing himself
fully.

These wings taunt me,
mock me.
madness
I would be better without them,
madness
reminding of what I could be,
what I could do.
self destruction

Let me go.

Let me dive headlong
into a warm southerly wind.
floating and drifting
effortlessly,
just being me.

If you should see me
appreciate me
for being.

If noticed by another and
welcomed with perch and comfort.
I will
rest
thrive
produce and
produce,
feathers intact,
being.


shaken and stirred

...and then you find yourself
sitting,
sipping
a cocktail
of bitter regrets and
crushed dreams,
emotions,
shaken
and stirred.


enjoyou

sit over there
in that chair
and let me stare
I just wanna enjoy you.
i really enjoy you.

your eyes and hair
make me stare.
you know how i wanna be there.
i just wanna enjoy you.
i really enjoy you.

words said and unsaid,
you send a rush to my head
at the corner store or embracing in bed
i just wanna enjoy you.
i really enjoy you.


strange relationship

i appreciate you so much,
i'll never say thank you.
i care for you so much,
i'll never try to learn what you need.
i want you so much,
i'll never let you touch me.
i desire you so much,
i will pretend that you don't exist.


love immunity

you got just enough of my love
to be innoculated.
now you are immune to
every expression,
gesture
and act.
and still
you know nothing
about me.

Ooomph!

I had the wind knocked out of
my soul.
and just as i could take that first painless breath,

again!

on the edge

You sit
on canyon’s edge,
the air as ground
under your feet,
hanging.

...contemplating...

Sure, you could jump,
but it's far better
just
to enjoy
the view.


wall of anger

come down.
fall.
you can not
detaindelaydeter
me

blocker of blessings
be gone
out of my life

ambitions
aspirations
affection
await 


Cole

Cole talks to his girl
before the world,
before the world,
openly.

he says her name
and it echos
in the minds,
in the minds
and the mouths
and the mouths
of people everywhere.

he loves her
and unashamedly
speaks of his love and
of his pain.

Perspective

Beautiful butterfly,
or
once-hairy worm with wings.


Ghetto

sticky poverty
dirt
that never seems to leave
even when cleaned.

unfortunate

surrounded

the uncivil,
the undiscipled.
hearts full of ghetto,
sick
twisted.

ghetto spreads
like
spilled milk
becoming
spoiled milk
creeping into places.

waiting

with arms to wrap around you
and a chest on which you can rest your head
i wait

with eyes that cry with you
and hands to hold your face
i wait

with silliness
and a laugh from deep within
i wait

with ears
waiting to hear
all that you care to share
i wait

and lips

i wait
with a full mind,
constantly conceiving ways to please you
i wait

with all
i have
i can find
i can dream
i can do
i can give

i wait

...and i still taste
your lips

like the taste
of strawberry coffee

hookless

and my heart
stretched
and stretched
and stretched
and stretched
straining

....and with nothing
to which it could connect...

RECOIL!

again i stare
into the void of unknowing
searching for completion.

all would be lost
were it not for that brilliant light
that splits
shatters
and scatters
blackness.

Your light will lead me
to mine.

Lucky Nature
I envy the wind,
the way it whispers
in your ear: "You're beautiful,"
and how it caresses you,
gliding across your skin,
giving you
that pleasant,
slight
chill,
until you shiver.

Lucky sun,
touching you,

warming you,
causing skin
to shimmer,
and temperature to rise
until you can no longer bear to be clothed.

and clouds battle
for the pleasure
of covering you.

and clouds battle
to cover you.

While sneaky
water,
touches you,
in places I cannot,
but gladly would.
and if you let me
i will try
as deeply
as possible.

Lucky nature,
I do so
envy you.

Until you are with me

I will love you
as if you were here with me.

When I walk
in a park,
on a beach
in the hills
on city streets,
my hand will hold yours,
though you won't feel my touch.

I will cook for two,
anticipating
your approval
and smiling with pride
as though I could hear
you
mmmmmm...

I will smile at you,
knowing
you cannot see me.

I will laugh out loud
and in my mind
see your eyes,
smile.

Every prayer offered
will include thanks
for you.

When I rest,
restlesslly
I will be calmed
by the thought
of your head
and tender palm on my chest,
soothing.

Until you are with me

I will love you.

Sweet baby

sweet lady,
stylish
sexy
silly
sweet
sweet baby

so wishing I had met you before

pointless

...and I
foolishly,
wrack my brain,
stress
strive
and strain
trying again and again,
as if you would suddenly say,
like me:
"I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I love you."

...and Hell's temperature
stays steady.

one for the journey

i'll have that one, please.
the one with whom
I can actually talk,
in free exchange
ideas, hopes, fears, dreams, goofiness...
yes, that one.

i'll have the one who believes
problems have solutions
they just require wisdom sought,
courage, responsibility
that one.

the one i need,
loves deeptenderly
glowing with
wanting the one
who wants

give me the one
who values
me
alone

yes, that one
the only one.

I will try to be
the one.

 I love you, but....

I love you,
I do,
but I can never let you know.
I only laugh at you,
because I love you.

I love you
but the more you try to
love me,
the angrier I get.
it only reminds me of
how I didn't let you
know me,
or really get to know you
or appreciate you.
What am I saying?
There's nothing to appreciate about you.
You're nothing, easily replaced,
but wait...

I love you.

I do
and I never have to allow those words to pass my lips around you.

Don't try to talk to me.
Your craving
to connect
stresses me,
because I can't.
I love you.

Don't try reach me.
I'm still hiding,
from what I don't care
to say,
with day
night
days nights
late night
friends  
you can never know,
but, I love you.

So much that I must prove to you
that I don't.
Never allowing myself to be open.
I owe you no insight
as to my true thoughts or motivations.
To hell with your confessions
and expressions of love.
Nothing will move me,
or cause me to reveal myself
especially to you,
because I love you.

I cannot see any goodness in you,
lest my pride be damaged by admitting
there could be any chance of me being wrong.
So,
you are evil,
unforgiveable.

How dare you doubt me?
I love you. 
_______________________________________

situational madness

frustrating
unnecessary
sad
waste

never knowing
me
never knowing you

never sharing those moments of
discussion and discovery,
of something new.
no idea.
no give and take.

never sharing
tender
postco
caressing

intimacy never happens in a crowd

what are you hiding?

sharing what I so desperately crave
but feel unwelcome to have
with someone else

still
madly attempting to process
the madness

writing my way through sad loneliness
withwithout you

killed myself
for your pleasure
yet could never deliver
enough status
fast enough

madness
of never enough
madness
_______________________________________
if...
then...

Wouldn't I remember
your touch
your kiss
the tender warmth
of you
I never truly knew

Would I have existed like an outsider
in my own life
anchored without a chain.

Would you have been so blinded
by my faults
that you couldn't see
how to love me
hurting
stressed
overwhelmed
dying

Would you hear my words and
not just the white noise
or your own thoughts
and secrets.

forgiveness would matter

so would I,
and
I do
remember,
now with laughter,
the insanity.

repressed
intellectually stunted,
a stranger to candor
and taunted
by ever-elusive
and affection unattainable,

but as a willing
living
sacrifice
_______________________________________

in
out
up
down
dud
dud
dud

all you ever wanted
_______________________________________
Why 

why didn't you
let me
do that
for you
to you
with you?

Why didn't you
do that
for me
to me
with me?
_______________________________________
Easy Me

allow yourself to feel welcome in this easy, intimate space.
appreciate
the ease of it.
the rest.

cozy solace
singular purpose
closeness

The ease of it.

If you were God

would you allow man to be
Deceitful
Wild
Savage
Brutal

Yet, with free will
To choose

To act charitably
To defend the weak and the innocent

To love
_______________________________________
Some part of me 
is missing

there is a hole
in my gut
in the very core of my being
and it sucks me in
i feel it tug at my limbs
inward
it pulls at my head
down
to meet my knees

and i lie there
in a ball

something is missing.
_______________________________________
My old friend, the couch.

I chose the couch when my bed was too hostile.
It never humphed, puffed or sighed
never told me to stay still.

It never ignored how tired I was
after working and learning
the past 14 hours.
It just let me rest,
allowing me the simple distraction of
the one-eyed devil
to ease my mind.

I never had expectations of couch,
not like the expectations
my bed never fulfilled,
frustrated.

Old friend,
tired
worn
still faithful.
_______________________________________
Childish and shortsighted

“Nah nana boo boo, I hurt youuu.
Ouch, that hurt!
Glad I did it.
Ouch.”

_______________________________________
Those colored glasses

My gut
warned me
but I didn't listen.

I could only see through
those colored glasses.

I just assumed there was more,
more to learn,
to explore
to experience
to grow.

I could only see the potential.

Blinded by this vision
and this strange sensation
I ignored the disconnect.
thinking I could live life around it.

When life happens,
cute cannot help
and might become
life's thief.
_______________________________________
Two halves make a hole

One lover,
too selfish
and arrogant
to understand
the other half
needs
desires.

the other
is too in love
and afraid of offending
to mention them.

Together
they dig a hole
too deep
and neither can escape.
_______________________________________
The Wall

I stood.
I stared.
I cried.
All the names,
the lives
All the friends,
the family

. . .the tears. . .
The Wall holds the names like a torch.
Each name
flickers like
a flame
burning bright
signaling sacrifice.
The Wall
will stand
when those
who know
those names
are gone.
_______________________________________
u

Should I continue to be a fool
loving the you I thought I knew?

I must accept the only you
you have chosen to show me.
and protect myself
from the

...unforgivingunrepentantuncompromising...
_______________________________________
Variation on Waiting

Waiting to inhale,
Inhale sweet perfume
and even sweeter personality
Waiting to inhale
and not be choked by the stench of another man’s body.

I smell a dog...
no, a pack of dogs,
wild dogs
following
a dog in heat.

Waiting to inhale
that scent of newness
instead I smell something burning.
Don’t touch that, its hot!!!
Touch and touch again
being touched and touched again

Waiting to smell a hot, well - prepared meal.
Instead, I smell leftovers.

Waiting to inhale and receive
that which I need to survive,
that which God will provide.
Waiting. . .
_______________________________________
choking

up above my nose
covering my mouth

i can't breath
the lack of oxygen is causing
me to fade
....losing my sanity

then i spring up
where i can feel
air on my face

still my nose is not quite clear
still strangling
struggling to clear my airway
my eyes water from the strain
choking

finally to safety

What form of madness
would cause me to consider diving in again?
_______________________________________
Fool's Love

Panning, seeking, wanting,
needing the riches, wealth and promise.

Eureka! I have found it.
That which men the world around crave and desire.

It shines.
It shimmers.
The beauty of it stuns
in the moonlight.

It is a fool's prize.
Worthless.
_______________________________________
But, I love you. "Of course you do."


Love proclaimed
from atop the Burj Khalifa
"Of course you love me.
But, you didn't jump."
Love displayed,
on Mississippi-long banners.
"Of course you love me.
But the words are not straight."
Love in letters,
the length of War and Peace.
"Of course you love me, but you use too many words."
Every word
every gesture
every grand act
is as nothing
as am I.
Nothing
only doing
what others do
as well.
"Of course they do."
But I must love
myself,
more.
of course.


Neruda and You

I'm no Neruda,
I know.

Yet in searching his words,
to find something to express
how I think of you,
how I care about you,
I learned.

I know
something he never knew.
You.

Unclear

Something is wrong.
All the things you claim to be
never come through to me.

Either
my vision is off
or
your mirror is broken.

tswietd lvoe

love persists, pushes and pleads for those who have no love for us.
tswietd

we show great deference for those who have only contempt for us.
tswietd

we offer forgiveness to those who would never admit that they have wronged us.
tswietd

we beg forgiveness from those who will never give it to us
tswietd

some get all the benefits while ignoring core responsibilities
others get all of the responsibiilities and none of the benefits
tswietd

this cannot be
love
yet it is
tswietd

such a day

such a day
was meant for sharing
all of the silly stuff
hand holding,
small talk
and the i-know-i-really-shouldn't indulgences
all
ended in embrace

Profit
Proft
Prit
Pfit
Poft
Prft

hmm...still can't see how that's become a four-letter word..

Live

That moment
upon surviving some tragic circumstance,
when you realize
“This is my life.”

It’s mine.
My experience.

Hide from it?
Deny it?

Hope it will change.
what if
my life

Is this really it?

It is.

Live it.

slip-on love

slip-on
snuggle-up
love

wrap you up,
take you,
room to room
slip-on
snuggle-up
love

never worn out,
perfect without trying
all mine
slip-on
snuggle-up
love

bled out

a love that died
a death of a thousand
kissless nights

parting words
tearing
ripping
gouging

life is in the blood
how much could be left?

Connectlessness

too long it took
to connect
the connectlessness,
to the lack of
connecting
with her.

pointless
laughable,
intellectual insanity,
a whale in a kiddie pool
was he.

view from the bottom

...and one day
I will crawl from these cold waters
to the shallows,
cross the shore
through the sludge
and crawl till those nubs grow
strong, long

and i will stand
admiring the new view of the world around
taking it in
and seeing new chances
destinations

and I will walk
toward the promise
of uncertainty
realizing I can go
where I have never been

i will run
sprint
across fields
full speed
leaping
jumping

until this world cannot hold me
and i will take flight
and fly
high

Free Love

love
freely given,
costs nothing.
like most things that cost us nothing
this love has little value.

simple love is useless.
it does not entertain,
or excite.
responsibilities and duties
bring boredom.

stable environments
are for children
and old people.
for now there is the other
fun.

there must be something else.
new love.
new fun.
not this life-long
drudgery of
family and fidelity

foolish love
what use is that?
what will it buy?
what status does it offer?
where is the glamour?

this love is useless,
empty,
worthless...
to the unwise.

Take 2

2

2 carats
2-ition
2 many flowers
2 much attention

2 many concerns
2 few caresses
2 little support
2 many messes

2 much pressure
2 little release
2 much ego
2 little peace

2 much effort
2 much desire
2 little romance
2 little fire

2 much selfishness
2 little sacrifice
2 little respect
2 much playing nice

2 much pain
2 little consolation
2 often ignored
2 much isolation

2 gets crowded
with a third.

CUT!

Take 2.

Mother Maya
may I borrow one of your poems
Riot:60's.
I beg one favor,
twist the six.

(on the eve of war)

fight the power

fight the power
that laziness has over you,
the power of indifference
disrespect
and self-destructiveness

yeah, fight it.

When all is new

If you cook for him, remember,
I was hungry, too.

When you dress enticingly,
offering body and soul,
realize
that was foreign to me.

When you greet him with a kiss
and ask him
"How was your day, honey?",
I had days, too.

And when you utter those most precious words,
"I love you."
remember
they seldom,
if ever,
fell upon my ears.

And still,
I tried.

With gentle touch and tender smile, this most beautiful soul reminds that she played no role in pains past nor in bygone betrayals. She offers only to love and share and for that she deserves total trust and complete commitment.

I met Him. That is when I realized how truly empty my life was. I wasn’t really living, just existing. I had no purpose, at least not one that would truly be worthy of all I had been given.

I met Him, and now I change. How could I not?

I can never forget it. How could I?

Such love, expressed from the universe and reality unseen and untouched. What can I give to show my appreciation?

I give my life because he gave me life, a desire to live. I must live for him.

I’m willing to give up my life for Him, because without Him, I have no life.

His words of love and acceptance still ring in my ears.

can you? come on

can you keep up?
well come,
if you can,
don't
if you can't.
can't
blame
keep up

upon betrayal

that cold,
sick feeling,
upon discovering your love
has been betrayed.

Songs sounding
...don't love you anymore.
someone else
possesses
qualities desired.

the piercing

the crushing

the confusion

the rage

the loss

the regret

the decision

the future

thoughts
like cascading
frozen flakes
all about,
beautifully,
only a problem when too many gather in one place,
too quickly.

hole

There's a hole
where once was a heart
they say
in time will heal.
Yet, I feel
that when bones turn to dust
and nothing remains of me,
there will still be,
a hole.

She didn't need him to be a star. Her desire was simply that they could enjoy the stars together. The only thing he needed, to be good enough, was just to be.

from the long form crying, lying, taking, dying

I lost my mother just the other day.
"Oh, that's okay. That's okay.
I lost a grand some years ago.
It's all the same. It hurts. I know."

My father may not see another day.
"Oh, I have 3 so I can say
He'll pull through be fit as rain.
No need to feel any stress or strain."

It was my little sister who took her own life.
And I just lost my mom, I can't help but cry.
"Oh gosh that's tough. I know it must suck.
But come on, entertain me, just suck it up."

"brandon's so much more fun and doesn't weep like you.
you stay and study. There's lots to do.
Those cards come in handy for covering checks.
They even cover trainers who lift and flex."

I'm coming apart, dying inside
there has to be more than a day in bride.
A friend, lover, and partner never mocking when he is down.
One not seeking status from skin that isn't brown.